


Shampoo Bottles

by Juniiper



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, M/M, Warnings for each chapter are in the notes :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:42:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25098604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Juniiper/pseuds/Juniiper
Summary: It’s all just so forgettable, till I’m sitting with all your stuff alone.A collection of fics inspired by the songs stuck in my head...
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan
Comments: 25
Kudos: 126





	1. Chapter 1

Seungcheol wasn’t sure why he had such a hard time letting go. 

He wasn’t sure why he chose to clung to things that didn’t even belong to him in the first place. It was as if those little things had made a space for themselves in his little apartment and Seungcheol felt empty even if he tried to clear his shelf. 

It had started with the God awful shampoo bottle that sat by the edge of his bathtub. It was some organic shit that  _ he  _ had bought from one of the overpriced health stores in their area. 

_ “You really don’t want all those chemicals in your hair, Cheollie.”  _

Most of his stuff was from there Seungcheol noticed but he never complained because it left him smelling like a mix of strawberries and vanilla. 

The smell of it alone brings back memories of nights they spent in bed, naked and pressed close together. Seungcheol remembers burying his face into  _ his _ neck or resting his chin on top of his head. Just breathing  _ him _ in, feeling  _ his _ presence, enjoying the moment. Wanting it to last for longer than just these nights. 

And no matter how much he hated the product he had let  _ him _ wash his hair on multiple occasions. In the bath after a night of “love making” as he liked to think of it. It left his hair frizzy and uncontrollable but there was the lingering feeling of slender fingers in his hair and soft giggles replaying in his mind and he could  _ never  _ complain. 

However all that was left now was him sitting in a far too cold bath, glaring daggers at the nearly empty bottle as if it would relieve his aching heart. 

What was even worse was that he didn’t even have the heart to chuck out the little crumb of  _ his _ soap that sat untouched in his soap dish. 

That was something  _ he _ had allowed Seungcheol to buy him. It was barely a gift but Seungcheol liked the way  _ he _ smiled when  _ he _ saw something  _ he _ liked and the urge to give everything he desired was very high. 

He never put a new soap over it, never removed it. It just sat there as another reminder, another remembrance of the fact that  _ he _ was long gone. 

And it wasn’t like he didn’t try. He did. He stood for hours next to the sink, the soap dish in hand, wondering just how much satisfaction he would get from watching the soap dissolve and flow down the drain. Much like their relationship. If you could even call it that. 

In the end he had returned to bed dejectedly. The last piece of soap living to see another day. Seungcheol was tired. 

* * *

He had a reason for keeping the phone charger. He really did. It was expensive and useful, never mind the fact that their phones were different and Seungcheol could never plug his device into it. 

Yet there it stayed. Plugged into the socket in the kitchen. 

Seungcheol could use that socket to plug in his microwave. It would make cooking a lot easier but when he had tried it felt like something was wrong. Like something was missing. 

He had rushed to put it back in again, recalling how  _ he  _ had nearly caused the whole house to short circuit when he tried to connect the toaster and  _ his _ charger in the same port. 

It had been funny at the time once Seungcheol had gotten over the fear of setting his house on fire. They had laughed over it for half an hour as they shared brownies on the kitchen floor. 

He remembers feeling happiness then, remembers feeling full. The high pitched laughter still ringing in his ears, a full smile etched behind his eyes permanently. 

Briefly he wonders if trying to plug in the microwave simultaneously would make him laugh like that again. But he knew better than that and instead of trying to make himself laugh, he sat on the kitchen floor and ate another round of mac and cheese. 

* * *

It had gotten to the point where Seungcheol had begun to use his speed stick. It was more of that organic shit that barely did anything but it was something at least and Seungcheol was far too lazy to go out to buy more. 

It wasn’t made for someone like him. Not for someone who had to do physical labour each day. It didn’t do shit for him but for  _ him  _ it was perfect. It was like it was made for him specifically. Seungcheol figured if all he had to do was laze around on couches and captivate strangers, it would suit him as well. 

But it didn’t. 

And he still used it. Fully aware of just how unhygienic this was. 

Was it the sentimental value he liked? The memory of  _ him  _ sitting on the sink in his bathroom and lecturing Seungcheol on how he would never allow  _ his _ money to go to big corporations.  _ He’d  _ much rather buy it from someone who put work and effort into it, someone who would benefit from his money directly. 

Seungcheol remembers thinking how it was absurd and that a dollar fifty into their pockets was nothing but he admired the passion in  _ his  _ eyes. He loved seeing talking about something  _ he _ was so sure about, loved seeing the glint in his eyes and  _ his sighs  _ of frustration. 

And now all he had left was this bottle of deodorant and no reason to buy the cologne he likes. 

* * *

There’s a red corolla parked opposite his house. One that’s exactly like the one  _ he  _ has. 

But Seungcheol knows it’s not him because if it was his car you could see the awful tie dye decorations hanging from the rearview mirror. 

This car was far too pristine. He could tell just from the shape that it wasn’t  _ his’. His  _ car was dented along the doors. Scratches that  _ he _ had caused  _ himself _ by driving far too close to some poor guys car but Seungcheol had witnessed  _ him  _ fight the older man and receive money as compensation. 

Seungcheol remembers being awed. Remembers feeling like a criminal but  _ he _ had kissed him and everything seemed to be okay. 

“ _ Welcome to the real world, Cheollie.” _

Now Seungcheol was the creep that ducked down next to each red corolla, hoping desperately that it belongs to the man he so longed for. 

But it never was and Seungcheol always went home with a heavy heart. 

* * *

It was kind of fucked up, if he thought about it. The way he clung to these items like one day miraculously Jeonghan would come back and want the crumb of rice he dropped on the counter. Or he would ask for the one piece of Lego they had misplaced. 

Seungcheol didn’t know why he kept them. Why he felt the need to hold on when the other boy hadn’t even been over in _ weeks.  _ His heart secretly wished that he would come back but the days went on and Seungcheol was left in his house filled with shit that didn’t even belong to him. 

It had started with a toothbrush. Then it was clothes. Then it was food and his toiletries. Each day it got worse. It reached the point where he thought they were living together because jeonghan made it feel like they were. 

He was welcomed home with kisses, they would talk about their days, they would go to sleep together. Till one day it all stopped and Seungcheol came home to a house filled with clutter but not the boy of his dreams. 

He remembers the frantic calls, rushing around their neighbourhood, begging someone to help find his precious  _ Hannie _ . 

But there was nothing and all Seungcheol received was radio silence. And all he did was cradle his broken heart in his messy house, clinging to the good parts of their relationship through stuff Jeonghan left behind. 

He wished he could collect it all and burn it. Throw it off the roof. Dump it in the trash. But these stupid little things had made a place in his home, just like Jeonghan had made a home in his heart. 

All that was left was a vacant space and too much noise. 

* * *

He could gather some courage almost three months later. 

He took his time gathering the junk in his house, packing it in a box so he wouldn’t have to see what he was throwing away. 

Jeonghan had no problem throwing him away, surely he wouldn’t mind the loss of some stupid minty dental floss and a movie stub from their first date. 

He really was ready to throw this shit out. Throw it out and get some sense of normalcy back because his friends had been adamant that it was unhealthy for him to keep Jeonghan’s drawer full of makeup when he clearly needed that space. 

He really would throw it out today. He was ready to leave already but there was the sound of a door opening and Seungcheol was face to face with the man he had been ready to remove from his life. 

“ _ Cheollie, I missed you.” _

  
  
  



	2. Balenciaga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know right now, I ain’t made of money but everything I make I’ll give it to you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve turned this into a series of short fics inspired by songs that get stuck in my head. 
> 
> This part is set in LA. In the 80s! Enjoy!

Jeonghan was a treasure. His presence alone meant more to Seungcheol than all the riches in the world. He was beyond comparison and Seungcheol would forever be in awe of him. 

For him Jeonghan was all he could want but there was something about Jeonghan that demanded to be adored. He was someone who was meant to be showered in riches, someone who could make even rags look like the top trend. With his sharp cheekbones and sharp cuts, Yoon Jeonghan was a vision to behold and Seungcheol would be a fool not to lay everything before him.

Unfortunately for him, he wasn’t blessed with the same fortune as most of the inhabitants of Los Angeles. No, Seungcheol was a labour man, someone who worked on construction sites. Eight hour shifts that paid him dirt. 

But Jeonghan had still married him.

“It’s not your money I want, Cheol. It’s you.” 

Not a day passed where Seungcheol wasn’t grateful for his angel. So understanding, so loving. 

What Jeonghan deserved was a beach house, where he could wake up with roses on his bedside table. Where Seungcheol would have time to write him love notes each day. Where he could go to work in his red 1950s cabriolet. Where they wouldn’t have to worry about the bills piling up or the long shifts keeping them apart. 

That was the life Jeonghan truly deserved. One where they could plan a spontaneous weekend getaway to West Hollywood. Where they could take their time kissing each other, make love under the stars on their own private property. One where they had no worries and could rediscover aspects of their love that they felt they had lost. 

A life where they could live in the Hamptons in the summers. Where they would have a big house with an even bigger garden where their kids could run around, where they could grow up. 

Then his angel wouldn’t have to return to that bar each night, then he would be gawked at by various men and Seungcheol could rest easy knowing his baby was safe. 

But things weren’t like that and they both were stuck with jobs that gave them next to nothing and far too many expenses to worry about. 

It killed Seungcheol but he supposed he could endure whatever as long as he had his baby by his side. As long as he had his love. 

* * *

“It’s kind of unfair, isn’t it?” Jeonghan said offhandedly as he sat in bed, a magazine open in his lap. 

“What is?” Seungcheol questioned, turning towards him, an arm extended to wrap around his waist. Even in this position he longed for Jeonghan’s touch. 

“How people can be spontaneous, go on shopping sprees and buy the first thing they like. How they buy a new car every month just because they can. How they can be so careless with money when we sometimes struggle to buy baby formula for our child.” The frustration in his tone was obvious and Seungcheol’s heart clenched in an uncomfortable way. 

He wanted to assure him that it wouldn’t be like this for long, wanted to tell him that things would get better but he couldn’t. Because false promises hurt just as much as broken dreams. 

So he stayed silent. Staring at his husband, sitting in anger, tears of frustration in his eyes and hands clenched into fists. He felt helpless. And he was. 

A loud cry broke out into the room and just like that Jeonghan’s whole demeanour changed. 

“I’ll get her.” 

And that night Seungcheol fell asleep with his daughter and husband in his arms, thinking that perhaps some things were priceless. 

* * *

Seungcheol supposes they chose the wrong place to live in. Los Angeles was by no means cheap and they were left working like mules just to get by. Perhaps if they moved they could afford a house with more than two rooms, a better car and quite possibly a better school for their daughter. 

But no other place held the same glamour quite like LA. It was where they grew up, where they met, where they fell in love and Seungcheol would be lying if he said he didn’t love this place in a weird twisted way.

More than that, it was clear that Jeonghan belonged here. He fit in almost naturally and it was where he dreamed of living and Seungcheol couldn’t take that away from him. 

He had to admit that it killed him seeing Jeonghan go to that dingy bar each night. Hated seeing him off as soon as he returned home. They barely got a moment together, it was always a rush to get out of the door once their daughter was safely in his arms. Seungcheol understood that it was important, understood that they needed the money that he made. He earned more a night than Seungcheol could make in a week. Besides this was something Jeonghan enjoyed and Seungcheol could never take that away from him. 

But no matter what he tried, he couldn’t get the image of his husband, scantily clad in mostly sheer clothing, being gawked at by men with less than pure intentions. It irked him. His baby was there to showcase his voice but the owners put him up there like a showpiece. He knew how uncomfortable it made Jeonghan as well but he endured it for them and Seungcheol knew his love ran deep. 

What got to him the most was the lack of a wedding ring on his husband's finger. It was the reason all these men and women stared at his baby so shamelessly. 

Seungcheol was determined to do something about it. 

* * *

“What are you doing outside?” Jeonghan stood behind, leaning against the doorframe, watching Seungcheol smoke a cigarette on the porch. 

“Come here for a second, baby.” It was all he said. All he was able to say because his heart was beating far too loudly in his ears and he wasn’t even sure he heard what Jeonghan had said. 

“It’s freezing.” 

“It’ll be worth it.” A smile. Reassurance. For him and for Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan joined him with little hesitation, plucking the cigarette out of his hands and putting it out against the railing. 

“I really wish you would quit smoking. It’s not good for her.” Jeonghan smiles at him sympathetically, knowing he was asking for a lot. Seungcheol didn’t think so, all Jeonghan had to say were the words and Seungcheol would give him the world. 

“I’ll try.” 

It’s all he said before he looked over at his husband again. Taking in the way his blonde hair almost shined under the moonlight, the way he looked so angelic with red lips and wide eyes. Enchanting. 

Seungcheol was so far gone. He was kneeling before he knew it, before he could think this through, before he could get any words out. 

Jeonghan gasped and looked on at him in confusion, trying to get down with him but Seungcheol stopped him before he could. 

“I know this is confusing, we’re already married. But I can’t get it out of my head that I never gave you a ring.” 

Jeonghan opened his mouth to protest at that but Seungcheol once again cut him off. This was something he had to do. 

“I-I thought over this for a while but I just need to give this to you, Hannie. I have to give this to you because you deserve this. You deserve more than this.” His vision was getting blurry, courage diminishing with each passing second. 

Urgent hands grabbed the ring from his pocket, he hadn’t had the money to get it wrapped all pretty like his baby deserved but at least he had something. Just like the one Jeonghan has been eyeing in that magazine when he thought Seungcheol wasn’t looking. But Seungcheol always knew. 

He stood up then, the other man’s silence getting too much. All Seungcheol wanted was to see his face, see if he was elated or if he was mad but he couldn’t lift his head. 

He knew he should be confident because honestly he had no regrets, no regrets at all. 

“Seungcheol.” It was all he got, wavering and whispered and a sob left him before he could utter a word. 

“I know. I know what you’re going to say but I need you to know that I saved up for this for two years. I didn’t touch a penny from our savings, I promise you.” It was important that Jeonghan knew that Seungcheol wasn’t reckless, even when his heart screamed at him to give everything up to his husband he couldn’t. Responsibilities came first and their daughter was far too important. There was no room for mistakes. 

“I just need you to have this. I need you to wear it, so all those people you play for at the bar know you’re mine. So I know that I can spoil you even if just a little.” 

He was crying uncontrollably by now, Jeonghan’s silence only adding to his insecurities. 

But then he was being engulfed and he felt nothing but warmth and love. He was surrounded by it and he could finally breathe easy. 

“I love it.” Jeonghan sounded just as gone as him and Seungcheol let out a breath of relief at his words. “I love it, so much, baby. You worked so hard.” 

There were hands carding through his hair, praise being whispered in his ears and Seungcheol cried even harder. 

He  had worked hard. He had been judged by the store clerk when he asked for the cheapest ring. He had endured. 

He had done it for his baby and he would do it all again in a heartbeat. He’d give up everything just for Jeonghan, for his daughter. For his family. 

Because he wasn’t made of money but he would give it all to them as long as he had their love. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is inspired by 
> 
> Balenciaga by New West. 
> 
> Also um idk how or why they have a kid in this tbh. It didn’t start like that lmao. But I guess it would be mpreg(?) idk man adoption doesn’t seem plausible in their situation. But also lol that doesn’t matter at all (there’s really no mention) I don’t know why I’m talking about it even. 
> 
> But yeah. These are fun to write! I hope you like them as well!


	3. Love Me Anyway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you because...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song reference: love me anyway by Chappell Roan

Summer camp.

It was where they met for the first time. 

Thirteen years old and far too ahead of themselves. 

Jeonghan was like royalty there. Doted on by everyone, the counsellors favourite. He was part of the ‘elite’ cabin because even summer camp was something consumed by capitalism. The Jeonghan now would have been disgusted at the blatant preference given to the presumed rich kids. The Jeonghan, then however was happy with having a personal heater in his cabin.

Seungcheol on the other hand was on the lower end. Rambunctious and loud. Their cabins were far from each other and they rarely had any activities together but somehow, Jeonghan  _ always  _ caught him staring. It was annoying at first, to have someone looking at him but he got over it quickly. He would never admit it but he secretly loved the attention. 

Jeonghan wouldn’t give him the time of day. He’d let him stare, let him take in as much as he could because truly Choi Seungcheol never stood a chance. 

But Seungcheol was anything but a quitter and as the end of camp neared, he only got more bolder. Used to use any means to get closer to him, trying to get in the same team as him, showing off his wins proudly. He even showed up to each of the rehearsals for the end of camp play. Always wearing a ridiculously big smile on his face and Jeonghan remembers scoffing at all his attempts. 

No way, would Jeonghan be friends with the likes of Choi Seungcheol. 

But things changed on the last night of their stay, when Jeonghan’s parents had failed to show up to their end of camp performance and he had sat on the roof crying his eyes out. Watching as everyone below him bustled around, showing off their work at camp to their parents. He was disappointed because all he had really wanted was for his parents to see how hard  _ he _ had worked. He didn’t want it to be all for nothing. 

_ “Would you like some jellybeans?”  _

It was all Seungcheol had said, shaking a bag of sweets at him and perhaps it was because of his hazy mind but Jeonghan said yes. Not wanting to be alone in that moment. 

He remembers sitting there for hours, eating the awful sugary jellybeans till the sun peeked on the horizon. Thye didn’t say a single word to each other, jeonghan didn’t even look at the boy next to to him but he remembers being reassured by his presence. Remembers feeling thankful, feeling a little less lonely. 

But in his own despair, he had failed to notice that Seungcheol was just as alone. 

* * *

Things went back to the way they were when they came home. Jeonghan continued on with his life, forgetting all about the boy who had been there with him at his lowest 

He noticed Seungcheol staring in the hallways, he felt his longing gaze but it never mattered because they were never meant to talk. Never meant to be friends. 

It was in high school that Seungcheol talked to him again. 

On prom night. 

With a confession, no less. 

And seventeen year Jeonghan old was too full of himself to notice the sincerity in his words. Failed to notice the courage it took for him to approach Jeonghan in a hall full of people. 

He hadn’t even asked for much. Just a dance. But there was a premise of something more and stupid seventeen year old Jeonghan had laughed in sweet, sincere Seungcheol’s face. 

Turning him down was easy then because he didn’t get to see the tears of hurt in his eyes, or the rush of embarrassment. 

People had stared as Seungcheol bowed deeply in apology, they whispered when he almost ran out of the building and only then did Jeonghan feel a twinge of guilt. 

He didn’t go out though. He couldn’t because then people would talk about  _ him _ and that was the last thing he wanted. 

_ “Ugh, what a loser! Why would Yoon Jeonghan go out with him?”  _

_ “I can’t believe someone would be dumb enough to confess in public like that!”  _

People were awful and it was their words that had Jeonghan walking out of the hall in search of the boy he had just utterly humiliated. 

It wasn’t hard to spot him. Sat on the stairs, curled in on himself. His shoulders were shaking and jeonghan already knew that he was crying and all he did was sit next to him. 

In silence. 

* * *

At twenty, Jeonghan and Seungcheol were friends. 

As a result of his guilt, he had started to give Seungcheol a lot more attention and he had realised that this boy wasn’t as bad as he had thought. 

And over the years they got closer. It was a gradual process but Seungcheol was too forgiving and a little too in love to ever hold anything against him. 

Jeonghan always thought he was foolish. 

“Are you Hyung’s boyfriend?” Choi Hansol, Seungcheol’s little brother, had asked him the first time he had visited Seungcheol’s house. 

“No, we’re just friends.” 

“Oh? He has a lot of Polaroid’s of you in his desk drawer so I thought…” 

To say Jeonghan had been intrigued was an understatement. He remembers feeling something twist inside of him, curiosity getting to him, screaming at him to go  _ look _ at what Seungcheol has been hiding. 

And he had. Because he was nosy like that. And just as unapologetic. 

He remembers being pleasantly surprised when instead of the creepy stalkerish pictures he had envisioned, he found candid photographs of himself from the time they had been friends. 

They had all been dated and labelled and Jeonghan had feared thinking of how prettily Seungcheol had captured him. If that was what he looked like in his eyes then he never wanted to see from his own perspective again. 

_ “Pretty boy, why can’t you see me?” _

Something changed then. 

And if Jeonghan encouraged Seungcheol to take more pictures after that, no one had to know. 

* * *

At twenty three Seungcheol and Jeonghan were boyfriends. 

At twenty three Jeonghan had realised what a fool he had been this whole time. 

And as Seungcheol lay asleep between his legs, head rested on his chest, Jeonghan felt himself tear up again. 

In these past few months Seungcheol had been nothing short of a blessing. He had been there for the bad and the good. 

He had been patient with him. When he was being difficult. When he was being unreasonable. He was patient when Jeonghan had difficulty in undressing in front of him. He was patient when Jeonghan jolted at every touch. He was patient with Jeonghan even when he didn’t deserve it. 

He had been understanding. He knew when to push and when to give him space. He knew how to get Jeonghan to open up. He was the one who called when Jeonghan had said he wanted to be alone.

He was the one who cared.

He was the one who cared enough to learn about him. 

He was the one who cared enough to give him time.

And now all Jeonghan wanted was to turn back time. Turn back time so that he could get back all those years he wasted being difficult. All those years that he deprived himself of a love like this. 

A love so pure. 

A love that ran so deep. 

At twenty three, Jeonghan had started to feel a love like that. 

At twenty three, Yoon Jeonghan was in love with Choi Seungcheol. 

At twenty three, Choi Seungcheol had already been in love with Yoon Jeonghan for ten years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All of these have the potential to be so much more but I’m challenging myself to write short stuff lol,
> 
> Comments are encouraged! :)


	4. Gameboy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This honestly doesn’t showcase the healthiest of relationships tbh. So read at your own risk please!
> 
> Inspired by gameboy by Bahari

It was clear to him from the start, Seungcheol wasn’t one to settle down. 

It was something he was aware of the first time Seungcheol talked to him. 

It was something he knew when he allowed Seungcheol to touch him for the first time. 

It was something he ignored when he let himself fall  _ this _ hard. 

* * *

It was okay, really. 

He was content with just this alone. 

He was  _ happy _ . With Seungcheol. In whatever way he got to be. 

He was okay with the nights they got to spend together. He was okay with receiving half assed texts filled with words of praise, ones he knew that were sent to whoever Seungcheol was working on this week. 

He was okay with waiting up till daylight because after it  _ he  _ was the one Seungcheol came back to. Without fail. 

Because he was the one Seungcheol held in the night, he was the one whose name he mumbled in his sleep, he was the one Seungcheol  _ chose _ to come to.

And he would take that for the rest of his life. 

* * *

Jeonghan wasn’t sure how long he had been there. Wasn’t sure he even cared. Time seemed to melt away when he was with Seungcheol and he had absolutely had no regrets. 

He had a paper due in a week that he could work on, had a best friend in need of company but he chose to be here. Lying on his stomach on Seungcheol’s bed, watching as the other boy went on and on about yesterday’s football game. There was no remorse whatsoever because nothing could top this. Seeing Seungcheol talking about something he was passionate about. Seeing his eyes sparkle, his mouth curling into a smile every so often. 

It was something he could look at forever.

He wanted to stay there forever, listening to Seungcheol, feeling his hands slowly caress his thighs where his skirt had ridden up. 

“You look cute today.” Wandering hands slipped up to the cusp of his bottom and Jeonghan drew in a deep breath. 

Perhaps it wasn’t the best idea to wear this outfit today because Seungcheol’s hands on him were entirely  _ too _ much but somehow not enough. He looked cute, yes, but he wasn’t here with  _ that _ intention.

But apparently Seungcheol had other ideas and Jeonghan was weak to his touch.

“Will I see you tonight?” Seungcheol smiled at him, gums on display and Jeonghan felt his heart stutter. This was so unfair. 

“You always do.” Jeonghan giggled and reached a hand out to brush the few strands of blue hair falling into Seungcheol’s eyes. It made him look cuter, younger and nothing like the “player” he was but Jeonghan loved his eyes. Loved the way they sparkled when he was excited, the way they glazed over with lust, the way they got distinctively bigger each time Seungcheol whined about something. 

“I meant at the party.” His fingers kneaded the soft flesh of his inner thigh and Jeonghan bit his lip in anticipation. His touch was soft as always, experienced hands knowing just to have him on his knees in seconds. However what got to him the most was the look on Seungcheol’s face. Practiced smugness, unmatched confidence and just a little bit of hopefulness. 

Seungcheol was never easy to read but Jeonghan was patient. Jeonghan was willing and Jeonghan  _ would  _ understand. 

“Do you want me there?” He smiled sweetly, watching something shift in Seungcheol’s eyes, the same teasing light back as he regarded Jeonghan. 

“I always want you there.” He was closer now. Impossibly close. Close enough that Jeonghan could see his lashes bat against his cheeks. Close enough that Jeonghan could feel his lips brushing against his own. 

It was euphoric. Seungcheol gave him a high that no drug  _ ever _ could. 

But that high was difficult to achieve because getting Seungcheol was far more difficult than taking a drag. It was only made clear when Seungcheol moved away the second Jeonghan tried to connect their lips. 

Because that was just Seungcheol. 

Addicting. 

Unattainable. 

But Jeonghan still yearned for him. 

“I’ll come if you want me there.” 

* * *

Parties were the furthest thing from what Jeonghan would enjoy on the weekend. 

The loud noise, the hazy atmosphere, the drunk crowd. It sounded horrid. But Seungcheol was here. So Jeonghan didn’t mind.

It’s why instead of spending his night bingeing some show with a cup of hot chocolate, he dressed up and did his make up as well as he could. 

A Pastel pink skirt and a baby blue sweater. Blonde hair parted down the middle. 

It was a skirt again because Seungcheol liked him in them, because he felt sexy in them, because  _ he _ liked them. And tonight he thought he had achieved that. He was pretty, he knew that. 

He hoped Seungcheol would think so too. 

* * *

He’d been there for a little over thirty minutes and there was still no sign of Seungcheol. 

In that time he had entertained himself, watching the over enthusiastic freshies try to do keg stands. Watching people dance with their partners, with people who weren’t their partners, with strangers. 

He stood at the side, a red solo cup clutched in his hands, wondering what it would feel like to dance with Seungcheol in one of these settings. 

“I thought you said parties weren’t your scene.” 

Kim Mingyu. Seungcheol’s best friend and Jeonghan’s newest student. 

Unlike what his looks suggested, Mingyu was a complete sweetheart. Far too caring and a little too innocent. Jeonghan felt a strong urge to protect him and it seems like it was the same for the other boy. 

As much was clear from the way he stood in front of him, certainly blocking something from his eyes. 

“They’re not but,” He started with a smile, eyes shifting to try and see just what Mingyu was trying to hide. 

“But Seungcheol.” Mingyu completed the sentence for him, a deep sigh accompanying the words and Jeonghan felt his own smile falter. 

It was rare to see Mingyu like this, frustrated and annoyed. It made him worry. Made him want to look over him and figure out what all this was about. 

“Would you like to go out, Hyung?” Mingyu stepped closer, leaning a little to the left when Jeonghan did. Jeonghan shook his head, determined to see what was being kept from him. 

“Are you sure? There’s a fountain out back, it’s quite pleasant-“ Mingyu was talking but Jeonghan had stepped out from beside, coming face to face with a sight he wished he would never have to see. 

If only he had just listened to Mingyu and followed him out to the pleasant fountain. Then he wouldn’t have to see Seungcheol lock tongues with some random blonde in the corner of the room. 

And Jeonghan was well aware of all the others Seungcheol had been with but he was never subjected to this and seeing it in real life was like plunging himself into ice cold water. It was hard to breathe. His lungs seemed to getting no air no matter how hard he inhaled. 

He felt weak and he  _ hated  _ it.  _ Hated  _ that Seungcheol did this to him.  _ Hated  _ that even after this, he couldn’t be mad.  _ Hated  _ that even now Seungcheol was the one he wanted. 

“I’ll take you home, Hyung.”

* * *

The bell to his apartment woke him up from his pitiful slumber at four am in the morning. 

And Jeonghan already knew who it was before opening the door and coming face to face with a rugged looking Choi Seungcheol. 

Really he shouldn’t let him in. He should send him away, slam the door in his face. He shouldn’t give him the time of day. 

But that wasn’t Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan was a love sick fool. Someone who was starved and without Seungcheol he was sure he would wither away. 

And so he opened the door wider, opened up his arms and took the other boy into his arms. 

It was unhealthy. It was  _ sick _ . It was driving him up the walls but he just  _ couldn’t  _ quit it. 

Not when Seungcheol came to him, looking so  _ broken.  _ So tired. So spent. 

It always happened once the drugs started to wear off. Seungcheol lost his high and with that he lost his confidence and all his will. What was left behind was a shell of a man. Beaten and bruised by the world. 

Jeonghan was the only one who got to see that. Jeonghan was the only one who made it better. 

Jeonghan was the only one Seungcheol trusted. 

That’s what made him better. 

That’s what made him hold on to hope. 

That’s what made him fall in love. 

He wasted no time in walking them to the living room. Seating Seungcheol down on the couch, making sure he was here with him before removing his shirt, wrapping a blanket over his shoulders. Making sure he was comfortable and warm before he moved to the kitchen. 

It was routine. Practiced. Almost mechanical, the way he dealt because each time it was the  _ same  _ thing. He would make Seungcheol tea, give him time to collect himself and then let him cry it out, cuddle him till he was sober again. Till there were no tears left and Seungcheol was just a welcome weight on his chest. 

But today, today Seungcheol came up behind him to hug his waist. Cling to him before it was time and Jeonghan was confused to say the least. 

A moment passed. 

And then another. 

And then finally, 

“Why do you do this?” Seungcheol spoke softly, almost as if he would break whatever trance they were in if he were louder than this. 

“Make tea?” 

“Put up with me.” Quick and simple, minimal words were spoken but they were enough to shatter Jeonghan to pieces. 

“I don’t  _ put up  _ with you. I like being with you. I like taking care of you.” He turned in Seungcheol’s hold to fix him with a stern look, trying to keep his tears at bay when he took in the sight of him. He looked like a child, scared of the monsters under his best. But in reality who knew what kind of demons chased Seungcheol. 

“I-I love you.” They were words he should never have said but he did it anyway because looking at Seungcheol  _ hurt.  _ Imagining him with others  _ hurt.  _ The thought of ever losing him  _ hurt _ . But Jeonghan was done being a coward. 

If Seungcheol didn’t accept him now, he would be better. He would be so good to him. He would make him want him because Jeonghan was in too deep to pull out now. 

“I don’t deserve your love.” His voice was monotone when he spoke but his eyes held all the answers Jeonghan needed. Wide and watery, Jeonghan knew that he felt the same. 

“You do. You do. You deserve all of my love and you  _ have  _ it. You  _ always  _ will.” They were bold declarations but he felt no remorse saying them because it was all  _ true. _

Seungcheol didn’t move but Jeonghan knew what to do. 

He knew how to hold him close when he let the tears fall. Even before any other words were spoken. 

He knew how to assure Seungcheol. 

He knew how to interpret his feverish hands and his desperate kisses.

_ It was love.  _

Bizarre and a little unclear but it was there nonetheless. 

And Jeonghan was hopeful. 

  
  
  
  
  



	5. Fine line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of inspired by a number of Harry styles songs but I listened to fine line on repeat lol. 
> 
> This ones a little different from what I would usually do so please look at the warnings before proceeding. Don’t read it if you’re not comfortable with it. 
> 
> Warnings: mentions of mpreg, childloss, grief.

To the world, they were just Jeonghan and Seungcheol. Two people lucky enough to have found love in this unforgiving life. 

To their parents, they were filial sons. Working hard to make them proud in any way they could. 

To their friends, they were family. They were the ones who took charge when it was needed. The ones who had endless love to give and want nothing in return. 

To Joshua, they were so much more than that. 

* * *

Joshua met Jeonghan for the first time in kindergarten. They wore the same shirt and Jeonghan thought it was the best thing ever. He insisted they sit together, insisted that they share their lunch, insisted that they were best friends from now on. Joshua barely had a chance to argue but he was happy because Jeonghan was his first friend.

It continued on like this till grade school and then middle school. Other friends came and went but Jeonghan was a constant in his life. Unwavering. He was there to help him with band practice. He was there to comfort him when his parents fought. He was there to love him, to assure him that he was needed. And Joshua wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

Jeonghan was his rock. Someone he kept close because he truly believed he would not survive without him. 

That all changed in high school. 

When Jeonghan met Seungcheol. 

Joshua supposed Seungcheol was his friend then too. He was the first one to meet him, after all. In detention, no less. 

Joshua was there for monitoring. Seungcheol was there being caught graffitiing the back wall of their campus. 

They were on different tracks of life but Seungcheol was just like Jeonghan. Deeming Joshua a good enough friend just because he was the only other person in detention with him. And Joshua wanted to point out that they weren’t a good match, that Joshua had never even talked back to a teacher while Seungcheol was in detention almost every week. 

He didn’t have the heart to do so however because Seungcheol launched into a passionate speech about why stray cats were not to be feared. Joshua decided he wasn’t so bad after that. 

And Jeonghan met him exactly two weeks later when he ditched his extra classes to annoy Joshua in detention. Seungcheol had taken a liking to him immediately. Jeonghan had too. And by the time detention was over Joshua was sitting at the teachers desk, doing his homework while Jeonghan sat in seungcheol’s lap, showing him pictures of his kitten. 

From then on the two were inseparable.

Jeonghan smiled at his phone more often. Came to detention more often. Blew Joshua off more often. 

Seungcheol joined them for lunch everyday. Got Jeonghan out of class. Had Jeonghan in the palm  of his hands. 

A part of Joshua was glad to see his friends together and another part of him, the ugly part, wished he hadn’t introduced them at all. 

By the end of first year they were dating, sneaking out of their houses to go on dates. Ditching classes to make out in the empty classrooms. Sending shy smiles and cheeky winks across the room and Joshua accepted it for it was. 

By the end of high school they were in love. Smitten with each other. They lived for one another and Joshua was now merely a friend they shared. 

He never minded though because he saw their love. He saw it in Seungcheol’s eyes when he looked at Jeonghan. He saw it Jeonghan’s smile when he talked of Seungcheol. He saw it in their lingering gazes, in the frequent touches, in the whispered words and soft tones. 

It was a part of them. They were a part of each other. 

They were the type to dance in crowded rooms when no else was. They were the type to challenge anything and anyone to prove their love. They were the type to enjoy every situation along as they were together and Joshua was content just to see them like this. 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol were made for each other. There was no doubt in his mind. 

<

* * *

In the third year of college, Jeonghan and Seungcheol messed up. 

In the third year of college Jeonghan was pregnant. 

And while the others were nervous, worried for their future, Jeonghan and Seungcheol had no qualms. 

Jeonghan and Seungcheol were ecstatic, over the moon. Their happiness knew no bounds. 

It radiated off of them when they let Joshua know. Their excited smiles, the giddiness, it all made Joshua happy for them despite his initial worry. 

He knew it was risky, he knew they were setting themselves for something big but he didn’t have the heart to point that out. Didn’t have the heart to taint their happiness. 

So he stood by them. comforted Jeonghan through his sickness. Helped Seungcheol read those pregnancy books. Stood up for his friends when the other students stared at Jeonghan with pity or disgust. Shared their happiness and their fears. Shared the milestones and lows. 

He was there for them. For the whole six months. 

And after. 

After Jeonghan lost the baby. After he had to undergo surgery. After he lost a piece of himself. 

He was there to comfort Seungcheol when he was a mess. There to assure him that things would be okay. There to help him face his lover. 

He was there to help Jeonghan through it. He was there to witness Jeonghan shut himself down. He was there to see him block everyone out. 

He was there to witness a distraught Seungcheol. He was there to see him at his wits end trying to grieve the loss of a child and tend to a broken-hearted lover. 

He witnessed Jeonghan shut Seungcheol out. Witnessed him distance himself. Witnessed him give up on their relationship. 

And he was torn. 

Torn between his best friends. 

Torn between understanding Jeonghan and his hesitancy to be with seungcheol

_ I see his face and all I feel is guilt. All I feel is loss. Pain.  _

Torn between sympathising with Seungcheol because he was losing more than a child. 

_ Why won’t he talk to me? Why won’t he let me help?  _

It was all falling apart around him and his closest friends were like strangers. It seemed as if this one moment was enough to erase more than seven years of love. 

And he hated it. 

He hated the way Jeonghan treated Seungcheol. 

He hated the way Seungcheol cried into the night. 

He hated the way Jeonghan avoided them. 

He hated seungcheol’s desperation. 

He hated Jeonghan’s refusal to cry. 

He hated that he cared this much for a relationship that wasn’t even his. 

* * *

It was a month later that Jeonghan had his first breakdown. 

A breakdown that neither of them had been prepared for. A breakdown that had Jeonghan crying into his arms in the middle of the night. 

Joshua had held him through it, encouraging him to let it out. Helping him find his healing. 

He listened when he cried about his loss. 

He listened when he cried about his guilt. 

He listened when he cried for seungcheol. 

He helped him through this just like he had helped Seungcheol all along. 

He helped him because Jeonghan meant the world to him. Because Jeonghan was his best friend. Because Jeonghan was more than a friend. 

Because Jeonghan was his rock. 

And he would be Jeonghan’s too. 

* * *

It was two months later that Jeonghan agreed to a seeing a therapist. 

It was two months later that he let Seungcheol see him again. 

It was two months later that he let Seungcheol hold him. 

It was two months later that he shared his sorrow with the man he loved, with the man who had lost just as much as him. 

It was two months later that he allowed himself to  _ heal _ and Joshua felt like he could breathe. 

Because he knew they belonged together. 

Because he didn’t know a world without them. 

Because to him Jeonghan and Seungcheol were more than friends. 

Because to him Jeonghan and Seungcheol meant  _ everything _ . 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See, you're gentle baby  
> I couldn't stay, I'd only bring you pain

Driving perhaps wasn’t the best idea at the moment but it gave Jeonghan something to do. It kept his hands busy and mind occupied but most importantly it kept his eyes off of Seungcheol.

Seungcheol who looked beautiful in the moonlight. Seungcheol who despite all the years apart hadn’t changed a bit. Seungcheol who even now, was the one to rattle Jeonghan in a way that left him speechless, breathless. 

He didn’t know where he was going at this point, just that he needed to keep busy, that he needed to look everywhere but at Seungcheol. Anywhere but at the love of his life. 

Because he wasn’t that any longer. Jeonghan had lost all rights to call him as such when he walked out that first time. When he had hurt Seungcheol to the very core. 

And yet he was here again. Beautiful and everything Jeonghan wanted and yet he was everything he didn’t deserve. 

So he drove in circles, keeping his eyes on the road, tears sticking to his lashes because he refused to cry over self created misery. In the back of his mind he hoped desperately that Seungcheol would notice, that he would take him into his arms and hold him. Hold him till he felt whole again, till he felt like himself, till the pounding in his head stopped. Till he forgave himself. 

But he wasn’t that lucky and even though Seungcheol’s stare bore into him, the warmth of his arms never came. 

Jeonghan deserved nothing less than that icy stare, than the clawing in his throat, the burn in his eyes. 

  
  
  


“This isn’t the most romantic place.” Seungcheol chuckled as Jeonghan’s car shuddered to a halt, just shy of the first train track. His voice was familiar to his ears, Jeonghan ached because of it, desperately pushing everything that was  _ Seungcheol _ out of his brain. 

The freight train train track was far from romantic but that was exactly what they needed. Something unusual, something mundane, something unfamiliar. 

“That was the point.” He mumbled, hands still gripping the steering wheel with far more force than needed. He needed to tether himself, hold onto something that wasn’t Seungcheol’s deep voice. He knew his words hurt Seungcheol but there was nothing new about that and so he tried not to care. Tried not to look as Seungcheol sighed tiredly and shuffled around. He pulled a wine bottle out of the backpack he had placed by his feet and Jeonghan winced at the sight. 

He preferred whiskey over anything but any alcohol might do him good. It might leave him loose-lipped and floaty and then perhaps he could swallow down the pride, the hurt and apologise to Seungcheol for all the wreckage. 

He snatched the bottle from his hands, careful not to let their fingers brush because he wasn’t sure he could take that. He would keep his distance even when he was burning from the inside for a touch, a love, he knew he didn’t deserve. 

Seungcheol laughed again, Jeonghan didn’t know if it was because of his eagerness or if it was because of the oddity of the situation. But Jeonghan didn’t care for that, all he needed was a reprieve, something to make him forget the current pain weighing down on his chest, something that would make Seungcheol’s presence easier to handle. 

And as the first drop settled on his tongue, Jeonghan regretted everything. From leaving that day, to letting Seungcheol in today. Because despite it all, Jeonghan knew there was no room for him in Seungcheol’s life. His presence was a poison, a wound that would never close, a desire that wouldn’t ever be pleased. 

He hadn’t been so unsettled in a long while. It brought him back to the highs of their relationship, times when they were happy. Or when he knew Seungcheol was happy because Jeonghan could barely recall a time where he wouldn’t be plagued by baleful thoughts. When he wondered how long he could keep the smile on Seungcheol’s face. When he wondered how much he would miss the glimmer in his eyes. When he wondered how long they would ride this high. 

Because all drugs wore off eventually, and Seungcheol was nothing short of one. while Jeonghan knew he could take more, he hadn’t wanted to overdose on something he couldn’t guarantee. 

All the promises Seungcheol made of forever felt like burns because he knew the truth and as he continued to play Seungcheol on, the guilt made a home in his heart till he couldn’t take anymore and left with no notice. 

“I would take you any way you came, I hope you know that.” Seungcheol said out loud when the silence stretched. 

And only when the wine bottle was half full, did he dare to look at Seungcheol.

And before he could help it, a sob sounded in the silence, wracking his body in the worst of ways. Seungcheol flinched at it, moved like he wanted to comfort but he knew better than to touch. 

Through his own tears, he saw the pain in Seungcheol’s eyes, something that mirrored his own. But it was more pronounced because while Jeonghan bottled it all in, Seungcheol wore his heart on his sleeve, had his feelings on display for everyone to see, for everyone to read. 

He was gentle. In a way that the world didn’t deserve. In a way that Jeonghan ,especially, was not deserving of. 

And he knew it was better this way. 

Even with the way he burned for his lover, he knew it could never be. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is something I wrote in an hour listening to “shampoo bottles by peach pit” on repeat at 4 am... 
> 
> Leave a comment if you want 💕
> 
> Twitter: [dusksvt](http://www.twitter.com/dusksvt?s=09)


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